Just say no.

"You kill me with your eyes so teaming.
teaming with futures sleeping."
I'm worn out. Lately I can't even hold conversations. I spend many nights just shuffling about in my bed like some hospital patient. I look for ways to exercise you from my thoughts. But it's impossible. But the worst part is, you were so close, and now...the difference is almost measured by light years. I'm now your open book to be closed, to be propped under uneasy furniture. You're now a locked safe and I'm listening for any sign of getting closer to your combination. Lately, I hate falling for anything. I know, that I have to practice patience. That I can't let my overactive imagination get the better of me. That in a sense, I can't trust myself.
I need to get rid of the rest of this hair. It's probably the most punk rock hair cut I've ever had. But I can feel something telling me that it's time. Maybe tonight after the movies. Or tomorrow...hmm. The only thing I can really trust at the moment is my running. I started training again for the Rock n Roll marathon in November. Yesterday I had the best/worst run of my life. It left a strange residing feeling in me, instead of feeling completely sore and exhausted after running 8 almost 9 miles. I feel pretty good body-wise instead. A bit mentally fatigued from sleeping only 2 hours. But still, pretty decent, all things considered. What can you do? Go on a wild face punching spree? No. Because, that's what they expect! Haha. ah.

Crept up on me.

Went for a decent 3 mile run.
Started off way too fast.
Couldn't find a rhythm.
Stopped a few times.
I think I even spit blood....from being sick.
But kept on.
The knee doesn't hurt as badly as before.
I'm giving it a D.

This song is the beyyyyst.

"The fox, the fox
Lied
Fox eyes under my prize

We're in a different war
With ourselves, and with some of you
So many things that don't hold true."

-The Fox by Nada Surf
Edited the wedding photos from yesterday, and even though I had a major equipment failure right before...I think I still got some pretty great shots. I know I neglected weddings before, but I think exploring portraits and different fields of the biz will give me a better understanding and experience of what I'm doing. This feels good, so I'm running with it. :-)
Running Tuesday after class fo shoooooo.

Earl grey tea and coffee, mmmm.

Tomorrow is a packed day. Run in the AM, followed by work and a wedding shoot, then Cris' bachelor party. Oy. On the other hand I think I'm reaching a hump in the story. It's coasted on a huge amount of momentum and now I think it's slowing to a filler portion...which I hate. I'm no good with filler.
It kind of hit me earlier though, everyone's been getting married lately...I wonder why. Um DOY! It is spring, pretty much the beginning of wedding season here. Also I'm twenty freakin seven years old. It only makes sense that everyone's getting married. Then it'll be thirty...and everyone will be havin kids. Good grief. I've decided to not shy away from weddings though. Especially when their referrals from friends. I don't mind anymore. I used to make a big deal about having to put up with bridezilla's, blah blah. But, considering that I'm also thinking of setting up a few family portrait shoots, I don't think it's such a bad idea to branch out and explore a few different things. Plus the dinero is not bad...at all. Well back to enjoying this little tasty beverage as I mull over, pick my brain and pretty much blow my brains out over this story...
Buenos nachos kiddos.

I burned my tomorrow's...

I was practically offered the assistant manager job at Journeys...but that would also mean, having to train to be a manager at a journeys in probably 5-6 months. Not sure I want that right now...I'm sure it's a great opportunity...but I don't know if I want to just put what I want on hold... I've got a few days to mull it over, but it'll probably be a no. Although, I also don't want to stay where I am much longer. It's not a horrible company, I've worked for worse. But it's just not worth the pay, or the lack of benefits. I need to shop around a bit and see what's available. By the way, Moloko- Sing it back remix is great up until about 1:26. It's great as a soft, down beat song. The techno part destroys it for me, hahaha I can't listen past the 26th second. Got some great stuff done on the short story...can't decide what I'll do with it though...maybe just put it away for now.

It's a definite.

I definitely feel better about that whole situation. Now to focus fully on the training and well, everything else. I'm definitely going full out balls to the wall to get this job. So hopefully I won't be at this place much longer. I don't mind the people I work with, they're all good shit. It's just the job itself. They're asking way too much for what they're paying these poor part timers(us). If it doesn't work out, then I'll give the book stores another shot. Anything to get out of this. Side notes: Hopefully I'll be able to knock out these photoshoots and get a portfolio together soon so I can get my work further out there. I'm also thinking of putting together a few family portrait shoots. Like friends who have families that want to do something outside of the norm. That should be fun and get me out of this little rut I'm falling into. I know it's okay to hermit up sometimes, but if I wanna make it, that won't be an option. Wish me luck void of internet space. Hahahaha.

Bloody Monday.

It's amazing the things you find out with a little searching. But if you're really not ready to learn the truth, then you probably shouldn't go sniffing around. You're better off. Honestly I shouldn't care anymore. I shouldn't have let things get as out of control as they did. But here I sit with this new found information and no real satisfaction other than knowing the truth. Really, I just feel like complete shit. Like I don't really make any amount of difference in this world...but I know that it's just a "passing" feeling and I can't hold onto it or it'll swallow me whole and drown me in it's murky depressive nature. So I can only move forward. Fuck. It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't fucking matter. Okay. That feels a little better. I'm gonna go home soon, hopefully hang out with Gabe a little, play some guitar, then go for a run. I'm really looking forward to the run and working some shit out. That'll help extensively, I'm sure of it.

Fall. Trip. Squandor. Rise again.

I slipped back into old habits and found myself not running. Not good. I should be up to at least 9 miles a day. But it's back down to almost 3. I'll have to go all or nothing to get back into it, because not doing the Rock n Roll Marathon is not an option. So this is sort of the precursor to the daily running journal that this is going to turn into.
Tomorrow should start with an early run, like 2 miles. Then a good breakfast, followed by a small lunch and a good dinner. Then hopefully if Mary is down to coach me, a run later at night. 
I need to get to work on what my Artslam piece is gonna be. I more or less know the tools that I want to use, and I have an idea...just not 100% on it yet. Still thinkin about it... man I love Bjork. She is possibly one of my favorite artists to date. Just the ideas and the music she produced are huge positive influences on me right now. Not just as an artist, but as a human. Well here's to tomorrow and a successful start to a new training schedule!